The IMDb message boards are a fertile breeding ground for anonymous posters with seemingly endless energy, no life, and a bloodsucker’s parasitical attachment to any independent filmmaker who does what appears to be beyond their imagination: actually make a movie that somebody might like to watch.

My film, Lady Magdalene’s, has become an object of their attention, due to my writing on the IMDb “Help” board that multiple spam “1” votes (“1″ being worst, out of a possible “10”) were being registered from outside the United States, where the movie has never screened or otherwise been sold.

The troll’s retaliation was the registration of 103 more “1” votes overnight.

So if you’re a fucking moron with nothing better to do than trash movies you’ve never seen, here’s an easy guide to becoming a troll on IMDb.

1. You’ll need a minimum of five anonymous IMDb accounts since your activity will eventually cause IMDb staff to delete one or two of them — but if you can manage over one hundred anonymous accounts, you can spam the movie rating system for indie films and dramatically lower the IMDb rating.

2. It is considered UnTroll Activity ever to watch any of the movies you trash.

3. If the film you’re trolling has won film-festival awards, deny that the film festival exists, and demand proof that the award was ever given. If anyone from the production responds, demand links proving the festival award exists, and if the link is posted repeatedly claim it doesn’t work.

4. Accuse anyone posting a positive user review of the film you’re trolling of being a paid shill of the filmmaker. Report their review to IMDb staff as being written by the production staff and have it removed.

5. Accuse anyone objecting to your lies as being an unlibertarian Orwellian who believes in censorship.

Whynne's iconic 'Troll'
From DeviantArt, Whynne’s iconic ‘Troll’

6. Posting a lie once is ineffective. Any lie must be posted at least two dozen times to have any effect.

7. Claim that any filmmaker responding to questions on the IMDb message board for their film is violating IMDb rules by commercially promoting their film on the message boards.

8. Call the filmmaker a Jewish shyster and invoke as many antisemitic stereotypes from movies as you can find. Don’t worry if these comments are reported; that’s why you have all your backup accounts.

9. Call the filmmaker a troll whenever he calls you a troll.

10. Remember: you’re anonymous! Nobody can do a damned thing about anything you write, so lie, lie, lie, and lie again!

Winner of the Special Jury Prize for Libertarian Ideals from the 2011 Anthem Film Festival! My comic thriller Lady Magdalene’s — a movie I wrote, produced, directed, and acted in it — is now available as a DVD on and for sale or rental on Instant Video. If you like the way I think, I think you’ll like this movie. Check it out!

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