Enough already about the Southern border with Mexico. The Mexicans are no threat to our way of life. Drug gangs? Please. Arizona just added legalized concealed carry of firearms without any licensing requirement to its already-existing policy of legal open carry of firearms without any licensing requirement. Any Mexican drug gangs mix it up with us Wild West types we’ll kick their asses all the way back to Mexico City just like we did in the 1840’s.

Mexicans come here, they sell me cheap oranges, they’ll do first-rate plumbing, electrical work, construction, and landscaping for a fraction of the cost I’d have to pay a licensed union worker, and Mexican food rocks. So what if I have to learn a little Spanish to understand their gibberish? Their women are hot and it’s all natural — no Beverly Hills surgery required.

No, as usual everybody’s looking the wrong direction. The danger to the American Way of Life is all these damned Canadians.


To start with, how dumb and weak-assed do you have to have been to have a shot at joining in with a revolution put together by George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Tom Paine, Sam Adams, and John Adams … and say, “No, thank you. We’re perfectly happy continuing to pay our taxes to some German king in London?” I mean, WTF?

Look, I like bangers and mashed as much as the next fellow, but I can’t recall seeing any drive-up windows with a clown logo where after putting in an order for bland sausages I’m asked by a pimply electronic voice, “You want mashed with that?”

Canadian politics? Their idea of a conservative is Leon Trotsky. They yammer all the time about how civilized they are and Americans aren’t but I seem to recall them sending troops to just about every stupid war we have. They may not pay their taxes to the Germans anymore but they still tax themselves half to death and brag about a socialized health care system that relies on private-sector American companies selling them drugs cheaper there than we can buy them here and Canadians running to American ER’s every time they actually need quality health care.

And I find it easier to mail a book or a DVD to London, Tokyo, or the Philippines than to get one past Canadian customs. I’ve had books and DVD’s that I paid overnight rates for sit in Canadian customs for a week or two before they finally deigned to allow their subjects to be allowed to receive them.

Then, of course, every time I run across some science-fiction novel that portrays America as some Jerry Falwell/Sarah Palin right-wing nightmare, by some coincidence it’s always some writer living in Toronto who never would dream of writing a 1984 dystopia set in their own country — it’s always set in mine. Like Canada has had a Bill of Rights going back over two centuries. Oh, wait. They didn’t get one that meant anything until after I’d published my first novel.

I have to admit that I harbored a Canadian illegal for decades. But you have you ask yourself: why is it that Canadians bitch so much about America but they don’t consider themselves a success at anything until they can make a go of it here?

Come on, I’m feeling feisty! You want a little one-on-one, Canada?

We had Frank Sinatra. Your answer was Michael Bublé.

We gave you Barbra Streisand. You gave us Céline Dion.

We gave you Elvis. You gave us Paul Anka.

I might be able to put up with Alanis Morissette if she could stop whining about her exes for five minutes.

We gave you Groucho Marx, Jack Benny, Danny Kaye, Mel Brooks, and Eddie Murphy. And, okay, you got something going with Mike Myers and Jim Carrey — but wait … aren’t they both naturalized U.S. citizens now?

And Alanis Morissette, too?

The point is, every time you get something going that might rightly be claimed as Canadian culture, you send it here and it becomes American culture.

Then you bitch about what barbarians we are.

Enough already. Eat your damned bangers and mashed.

I’m heading for Taco Bell.

My comic thriller Lady Magdalene’s — a movie I wrote, produced, directed, and acted in it — is now available for sale or rental on Video On Demand. If you like the way I think, I think you’ll like this movie. Check it out!

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