Make a movie titled The Invention of Lying which is marketed as a romantic comedy then have the plot be how the lie is the invention of God, Heaven, and moral codes. This will play well with audiences who believe in God, Heaven, and moral codes.

Poster: The Invention of Lying

Make all the American-produced major motion pictures that have the subject matter of U.S. involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan always make Muslims noble victims and always make the top Americans in charge schemers, liars, torturers, and murderers. This will play well with military families, veterans, and 9/11 victims.

Why tell an original, never-before told story, when there are so many classic movies that can be remade, with the added benefit that you can shit all over the original?

Make children’s animated features about cute robots living on earth after the human race has turned it into a garbage dump. This will convince children either to clean up their rooms or to steal their dad’s gun and shoot up their school if they think living in garbage is their future.

Poster: Wall-E

You can’t lose with a movie about a couple deciding on their wedding day that they’re marrying the wrong person and someone they just met is their true love. This works especially well with date movies for young married couples paying extra for a babysitter.

Any white character from the American south is a redneck and a racist. The southern American accent is a hallmark of stupidity. There are no Atticus Finches. No popcorn to be sold south of the Mason-Dixon line anyway, right?

Cowboys are also always racist morons, unless they’re gay.

If by some odd chance you’re a Republican trying to make fun of people who think not every American war has as good casus belli as World War II, be sure to call Neville Chamberlain a cowardly appeaser. Make sure to leave out that he was the first leader to declare war on Hitler, and that by doing so two years before America joined the war there was a really good chance Germany would defeat his country.

Poster: An American Carol

Always make young people getting married or having babies an unmitigated disaster. After all, it’s to the benefit of society that women not even think about trying to get pregnant until they’re so close to menopause they’re likely to find it difficult if not impossible.

Make every movie that has scenes taking place in the 1950’s — when many of today’s parents grew up — be about the poor victims of Senator Joe McCarthy’s investigation into communists in the U.S. State Department and U.S. Army. Always leave out the part where the Soviet KGB really was infiltrating the U.S. State Department and U.S. Army with paid spies.

Poster: Julie and Julia

Make sure that any time the subject of owning a gun is raised on a network TV show (especially a trendy sitcom like How I Met Your Mother), one of the characters tells another character in an authoritative tone how all the statistics show it’s more dangerous to keep a gun in the home than the benefits of possible defense against home invaders. This will play especially well with the 80 million Americans who know the real statistics on gun defenses and keep guns in their home.

How I Met Your Mother

Make movies and TV cop shows in which homosexuals are always victims unless they’re Republicans or Catholic priests. This will play extra well with Republicans and Catholics.

Poster: Doubt

Make TV shows where noble district attorneys figure out how to twist laws around to prosecute anyone they find personally offensive. But treat any defense lawyer who cites the constitution to defend his clients as slime.

Law and Order

Most audience members will identify with movie characters who are hit men, drug-dealers, addicts, thieves, and misfits. Oh, wait. That’s just the studio people who make movies, isn’t it?

Shake the camera and make everything dark so no one can follow what’s going on. Have the actors mumble so no one can figure out how dumb the dialogue is. Keep on cutting back and forth to flashbacks so no one can follow the story. And always have it turn out that the person audiences like best in the movie turns out to be the murderer.

Make movies where businessmen are always the problem and feds are always the solution. After all, nobody who watches movies or TV shows are in business.

Poster: Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

Make sure any character wearing a U.S. military uniform always has a back story where they did something God-awful while in combat, or they’re racists, or they’re unstoppable killing machines … and their lines of dialogue belong in a high-school locker room. Never show a military officer with an IQ above room temperature, unless he’s going AWOL.

The purpose of making biographical movies about any famous person is to show what scumbags they really were. Great inventors always have to steal their inventions from someone we never heard of. Great composers treat everyone around them like shit. Make sure to treat any famous industrialist as a ruthless gangster or just whack-job insane. Leave no historical American figure as someone a child today would want to grow up to be like.

Poster: Immortal Beloved

American families must always be shown as dysfunctional. After all, the families of the Americans who make the movies are, right?

Villains are always unstoppable, all-knowing, and all-powerful. Dispose of any heroic characters off camera in between other scenes, to make it obvious they were fools to think they could make a difference.

Poster; No Country for Old Men

If an independent filmmaker makes a movie the heartland audiences would actually enjoy, make sure there’s not a chance in hell it will ever show up at a multiplex, which has 30 theaters all showing the same half dozen overpriced studio movies with the same dozen stars. After all, it’s all about the bottom line … right?

Poster: Lady Magdalene's

And one more thing:

All this works better in 3-D!!!!

My comic thriller Lady Magdalene’s — a movie I wrote, produced, directed, and acted in it — is now available for sale or rental on Video On Demand. If you like the way I think, I think you’ll like this movie. Check it out!

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