A new Dead Times/DNN poll of 3,500 ghosts who died in the last fifteen years has surprised researchers with the light it has thrown on deceased behavior.

Fewer than 22% of ghosts surveyed have ever embodied as an apparition more than once. Only 11% have ever haunted a house.

And only 3% of ghosts surveyed have ever thrown objects around a house.

“The fact is,” said Fernando Gonzales, Communications Director for the 6.5 million member Association of Disembodied Retirees, “most of the disembodied are quite happy to have nothing further to do with the corporeal world they’ve left behind — and who can blame them? You corpo’s scream at them, run away, make it quite clear that they are no longer welcome. What do you expect?”

The poll indicates that contact between ghosts and the living peaks in the first few months after a person’s death, then rapidly drops off, so that within two years of a departure, virtually no ghosts are at all interested in returning to earth.

“There just aren’t any Jacob Marley’s out there,” said Gonzales, “hanging around to give you tips on your life. If you have something to say to a dead person, you better get it off your chest right away, because we’re outa here fast.”

The survey also provided long-needed insight into what most people actually do once they’ve died.

  • Three out of four of those surveyed — 77% — decide to resume their education before making further decisions.
  • Most of the dead — 91% — respond they will choose their next incarnation in some space-time continuum other than ours.
  • Only 3% expressed any interest in a reincarnation on earth, with a follow-up question giving as their objection the rule that returning spirits must leave all memory of their past lives behind.

“What’s the point in reincarnation if you can’t even remember that you were there before?” explained Gonzales. “Your previous experience is useless, so you’re just going to make the same stupid mistakes again.”

The survey was conducted by a random medial sampling in the lower 72 planes, and yields a 95% certainty with a 3% accuracy plus or minus.

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